I'm 75% DONE!

I had my ninth chemo treatment out of 12 today. 75% complete.

I also got to see the results of last week's PET scan, and there's only one small tumor left! Yay!

Scans

I have my next PET/CT scans tomorrow! Exciting but a little nerve-wracking... wish me luck!

TREEEEE!

Trevor is home! Just him being back makes me feel SO much better. I'm still losing my hair like crazy, and I still feel like a marshmallow, and I still have a ton of other crappy side-effects - but just having him in my arms again (or even just in the other room) makes everything a million times better.

BUT he has to work today. Ugh. But we're going to hang out tonight. And it's actually a good thing he's working today because he and another guy were the only ones asked to work this weekend - it's is a good sign they like him a lot already! I'm so proud. :o)

Exhausted

The past couple of days have been rough. The weekend was rough. I stayed home from work yesterday and today. I'm not much fun lately. Trevor is still out of town on business. I miss him.

I found out a woman in my web design class was recently diagnosed with cancer, too. Not sure what kind, and I would NEVER wish cancer on anyone - and I wish it never had to happen - but it's kind of nice to know I'm not alone.

Chemo #7

Tomorrow is chemo #7.

Over the hump.

Finally.

I found out today that my friend, Luke, died in a boating accident yesterday. When he sang, he sounded like James Taylor. He will be missed terribly by everyone who knew him.

Luke Rogers

July 19, 1989 - September 20, 2008

LIGHT THE NIGHT!

Tonight is the Light the Night walk around Green Lake to raise money for the LLS!

Click the image to donate to the team walking in my honor, Paige's Peeps!

Stay Puft

This is how I'm feeling these days:

No one checks you out when you have cancer.

I'm not myself.

I miss my old body.

I have never been this fat. I'm developing a double chin.

I miss my long hair. It's falling out non-stop now, but you can't tell if you look at my head. It's so annoying and I can't stand it anymore. I guess I should be happy I'm not bald.

I'm worn out.

I started taking the bus to work on Monday. It sucks.

Yesterday, I was waiting to take the bus home and I noticed a guy walk by and check me out. Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I realized it hadn't happened in SO long. Yeah, I feel pretty unattractive these days.

Oh yeah, and my pants don't fit anymore.

My blood counts lied to me.

Remember those "nearly normal" neutrophil counts the week before last Friday? So, they lied. I know this is rather late to be posting this now, but Thursday's pre-chemo CBC came back with a neutrophil count of 3.3! How could this be?!

The doctor I saw explained that perhaps there really was a bladder infection on the way at the time of that first blood test, and that my white blood cells were upped to fight that infection. Then, because there was no infection to be fought anymore, the levels dropped. LAME.

And it's been decided. I'm going to bed at 9:30 tonight. Tomorrow is the first day of taking the bus, and Trevor's taking it with me to the U tomorrow to study at the library. He's starting work on Tuesday(!) so he has to get used to getting up early, too, instead of 10 minutes before we leave, haha.

A breakthrough.

I AM HALF WAY DONE WITH CHEMO.

Blood

I got my blood work results this morning from Friday's fun trip to Urgent Care: My neutrophil counts were at 1.98 that day! That's .02 away from being considered "normal!"

Of pee and other things.

Okay. Seriously. Are we done yet? This chemo thing is getting really old.

My body feels like it's rotting from the inside out. I made the stupid decision not to take Ambien last night because, "Oh, I'm already taking enough drugs, and I don't want to get hooked on it."

SCREW. THAT.

I can worry about an Ambien addiction after chemo. Because right now, I need my sleep. I was really kicking myself last night, in my lack-of-Ambien-induced state. HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?

And now to talk about urine. Yes, P-E-E. And I'm not going to leave out any details.

Yesterday around 4:00pm or 4:30pm I went to the bathroom and noticed it burned a little. When I "cleaned myself up," I noticed there may have been a trace of blood in my urine, but I couldn't tell; so as Trevor and I were driving home, I called the consulting nurse and she instructed us that we were going to have to turn around and go straight to Urgent Care. FANtastic.

When we got there, I checked in, and got a mask from the front desk. The consulting nurse said it was IMPERATIVE that I get a mask. Like I might DIE if I DID NOT LOOK LIKE A PAINTER while sitting in the Urgent Care waiting room. Trevor made sure it was secure by squeezing the little metal tab on my nose. Thanks, babe.

(By the way, we were the only people there, so no one else got to witness my baby blue Darth Vader-ness.)

My name was called and we went and waited in an exam room (blood pressure and temp taken, yadda, yadda, yadda). I told the nurse I had just peed an hour ago and that I was going to need some "assistance," so he brought me a HUGE flimsy pink plastic pitcher of water and a cup.

Trevor and I looked around the room but unfortunately couldn't locate a beer bong, so I had to just chug it straight from the cup. Too bad.

We sat awhile - me incredibly uncomfortable with my water-logged stomach - and waited until I had to, how do you say... "go."

It is here that I would write an incredibly lame dialogue of the phone ringing and having the nurse tell me it's for me, that it's nature calling, but I'll spare you.

If you have never peed in a cup before, I will tell you it's quite a process. Well, not so much for guys, I suppose, since they're so... external... but it's a process nonetheless. Especially when you're wearing a cute yellow summer dress. Hey, at least it was yellow...

Whenever I've peed in a cup in the past, I've always been given "special" wipes (You know. OBSTETRIC wipes. Just to sound smarter.). At this Urgent Care, however, I was given the regular bag with the cup inside - and a PILE OF GAUZE. Little gauze pads that I was supposed to wet under the faucet instead of the OBSTETRIC wipes. Needless to say, I just didn't feel as "clean" as I probably should have.

Now, the actual peeing into the cup is complicated, too, because you can't simply start peeing into the cup. OH, NO. You have to start peeing and THEN catch the stream because you want a "clean" sample (which I don't quite understand because aren't they looking for an infection anyway?). The pee almost always ends up on your hands, and that's just unpleasant. I always have paper towels and more OBSTETRIC wipes at the ready, laid out in a nice, obsessive-compulsive order on the oh-so-sanitary floor, or a nearby metal shelf (if I'm lucky).

THIS time, I only had my stupid PILE OF GAUZE. Luckily I had thought ahead of time and saved some for this post-peeing procedure, and didn't use them all up during the pre-peeing procedure of CLEANING MY NETHER REGIONS. Despite the word OBSTETRIC, I really missed those wipes.

I got all "reorganized," and handed off my bag o' pee to the nurse who took it off to some super-secret lab to get tested. Oh yeah, and it was warm. Nice.

After waiting in the room for another half hour (after getting my blood drawn from a nice guy who said his nickname was "Bong" because his initials were P-O-T), the PA came in and said my pee was clean and that we had to get out because they needed the room for people who were actually sick. Hel-LO? CANCER? 

Just kidding. She was actually really nice.

After dinner at Trevor's parents' house, he dropped me off at home so I could go to sleep and he went out with the guys. I got online for a little bit, checked my email, and found I had one from my health insurance's online service saying I had new lab results. I went to the website and found something COMPLETELY different than results for a bladder infection:

"Pregnancy Urine - NEGATIVE"

Now, I was a little confused... Sure I was happy it was negative (again), but I definitely hadn't asked them to do a pregnancy test, and there was nothing there regarding a UTI, so I was worried they had just switched tests on someone - and THAT someone is really confused because they're stomach is sticking out to *here* and they're being told they have a bladder infection, not that they're pregnant.

I called the consulting nurse this morning and she thought it was HILARIOUS. But luckily, she also told me that they had, in fact, performed a proper urinalysis and that I did not have any infection. Phew. Clean pee. I sound like a relieved druggie. :o)

I look like myself as a first grader - chipmunk cheeks

Still round in the face.
And round in the love handle region. I can't wait until my hair grows long again and I lose all this weight I've put on, although that's gonna be awhile from now!

Ach, I'm ready for this to be over and done with. I have a pulmonary function test tomorrow to see how my lungs are holding up.

Grr, and I'm always hungry. Sure doesn't help with the weight gain!

And my sleep schedule seems to have flipped. I'm exhausted during the day, then I can't sleep well past 2am. I think I'm going to ask my onc for some Ambien.

Fat Face

Unfortunately, this post-treatment weekend hasn't treated me nearly as well as the last.

Fortunately, this is a three-day weekend so I have one more day to rest up. Trevor and I are going to get brunch with Sarah and her parents this morning, too, which should be lovely.

The Dexamethasone is making my face puffy and round and red. Argh. And I have felt a twinge of nausea this time around, although I think it's due to association, not the actual drugs, because I only really feel it when I think about chemo. Blech.

The CHEMO IS WORKING!!

I completely forgot to mention the results of Wednesday's CT scan!

The largest lymph node has shrunk by 65%!! (I was given the original size and the new size and Trevor broke out his calculator and figured out the exact shrinkage.) I'm SO HAPPY!! The rest of the lymph nodes have shrunk, too, but my oncologist said that they may never shrink back down to normal because a lot of it is probably scar tissue. The PET scan after treatment #8 will show exactly what "lights up," or what is still actually cancerous.

HOORAY!!

Dreaming of peacoats & scarves...

I was told about this website called Polyvore and I have become absolutely addicted. You can browse through pages of clothing or interiors and put together an outfit or room! It's SO much fun for me since I enjoy doing that stuff already, although now I have an unlimited wardrobe to work with! It's a great marketing ploy on their part, although let's just say money hasn't really been going to my clothing lately. The whole concept of a "shopping spree" isn't in my vocabulary these days.

Anyway, the least I can do is dream, and because autumn appears to be upon us (what with the arrival of rain and cloudy skies - which, as a "true" Seattleite, I surprisingly like quite a bit), I am signing off with my 2008 dream fall wardrobe.

P.S. Treatment #5 was this morning. I came home and slept the rest of the day and now we're off to the grocery store. I hope this weekend treats me as well as the last post-treatment weekend!

CT scan TODAY

Wish me luck!

My week

Tomorrow I have my CT scan - the first since the initial - to see how the cancer is reacting to the chemo. It's a little nerve-wracking to think it might not be working, but my oncologist squished around in my neck region and said he couldn't feel the swollen lymph nodes anymore, so I'm hoping for the best!

Thursday is treatment #5! One away from half way done!

Tonight I'm having dinner with Celeste & our old high school history teacher, Steve, and his partner, Amal. They're so much fun. Sometimes I wonder if people think it's weird I'm friends with and still keep in touch with certain high school teachers, but if you went to my high school, you would understand.

Wednesday is Alexa's 23rd birthday dinner. Wow, we're getting old! But not really. :o)

I AM IN THE BEST MOOD.

Last night:

- got dinner (at Paseo!) with a good college friend who was in town ever-so-briefly

- met up with the girls and went to Mona's for fantastic dessert (lavender & honey ice cream!)

Today:

- slept in until 9:45am (and I actually slept well for the first time all week!)

- made pancakes with berries (the batter was purple!)

- climbed back into bed with boyfriend & snuggled

- got up and showered

- cleaned and organized apartment (moved my desk to a better spot!)

- went to JoAnn's with Celeste

- crafted with Celeste (we made cute tufted ribbon bulletin boards!)

- came home & made nachos with boyfriend (SO TASTY)

- read book & relaxed

And later tonight we're going to a BBQ! I almost feel normal (all except for that weird heartburn-y starving feeling in my stomach). And to top it all off, it's only Saturday! I could do this all again tomorrow if I wanted! Haha, is it obvious I haven't been able to enjoy my weekends for a long time?

And tomorrow, I'm going to take a bath!! With bubbles and fizzies and candles and EVERYTHING. Can you tell I'm excited?

So, at what point will I look like Mr. Clean?

I now think my hair is finally coming out. It doesn't look like it when you look at my head, but after looking in the sink after blow-drying my hair this morning, I can start believing it. I'm SO glad I cut my hair. I can't imagine having to deal with long, gross strands everywhere. I thought I would feel a lot worse once it finally started to come out more, but I'm not that phased by it, probably because it sure took it's sweet time! I'm also probably not that phased by it because my hair doesn't look patchy at all. Still thick up on top. I just have no idea how long it will stay that way. Oh well, I've got lots of pretty scarves for when I finally decide to buzz it.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Going to the support group last night was really good for me in that I realized that, even though this whole Hodgkin's thing definitely isn't a walk in the park, I've got it pretty easy in comparison to the other women I talked to. There were only three other cancer patients there, but it was good to meet some other people who understood firsthand. One woman had NHL a couple years ago, and now she has HD (one of only 30 documented cases), and another woman is one of nine cases of her certain kind of leukemia with no bone marrow involvement. The third woman first had some sort of incurable vascular tumor that only 1% of the population has (she is therefore forced to fly to Denver each month for treatment because it's the only place her treatment is performed), then on top of that she has a certain kind of incurable leukemia. She takes a pill each day to keep it in "remission" but she's going to have to live with it the rest of her life unless something else is discovered.

Cancer sucks. Big time.

Oh, and my hair doesn't know what it's doing. It can't make up its mind whether it's falling out or not. Yesterday, a lot came out. This morning, not as much. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Hair today, gone tomorrow?

Trevor and I are going to a young adult support group at the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society tonight after he picks me up at work. It'll be nice to finally meet some other cancer patients my age.

My hair came out a lot more than usual in the shower this morning. Is this the road to baldness?

No complaints!

The wedding was beautiful and I still feel like I didn't have treatment last Thursday! It would be wonderful if this feeling continued for the rest of my treatments, although I have a hunch it won't... The floaters in my peripheral vision have increased, but that's the only complaint I have today. Oh, that, and some heartburn, and it being terribly quiet at work today. Off to lunch!

Still feeling good - Neutrophil counts, I love you!

The pirate party was a success last night! We stayed for about an hour and half, but it was definitely entertaining. Everyone was so dressed up! I think Jon made quite a bit of money for the Light the Night walk, too! (I forgot to mention that he had been growing out his beard for the party, and a tennis club member asked him why he was looking so scruffy. He told her about the party and about how it was a fundraiser for LLS and about me - not sure if she knew me - and she decided she wanted to pay for the keg! So nice of her!)

And this morning, I feel good enough to go to Blair and Lauren's wedding! Jamie and Leah are going to pick me up around 9:30am and then we get to drive a nice long four hours to the Washington-Oregon border. Trevor said it's absolutely beautiful down there and that there's so much stuff to do. Maybe we'll go there for our remission vacation.

YAR!

I feel pretty good today! Definitely not like the first two post-treatment weekends. I really think it has to do with my neutrophil levels being higher than the past few times. There's a very good chance I'll be able to go to Blair and Lauren's wedding tomorrow.

Trevor and Chelsie drove down last night, so my mom spent the night with me to make sure everything was okay. She hung out for awhile today, too, and she'll be back a little later to check in. Celeste and I are going to stop by Jon's swashbuckling pirate party tonight where he's raising money for the Light the Night walk! I was so touched when I found out he was throwing the party in my honor and to raise money for the LLS. We're going to dress up like pirates! YAR! I took a shower and started to get ready for the day, but so far I still just have my bathrobe on - but I've accessorized with a red pirate bandana on my head, haha.

I talked to Trevor today and he said he caught a big steel head trout when they were out on the boat for Blair's "bachelor party" today! So exciting! I'm happy that I get to see him tomorrow. It's really amazing how much I miss him when we're apart, even just for a day. :o)

HOT and ALONE but HAPPY

Chemo #4 was a success yesterday! Mira and Kaston came to visit, and when my mom came to pick me up, Hunter came, too! So many fun visitors!

I finally got to see Dr. Chen, my oncologist, too! The last time I had seen him was when we did my bone marrow biopsy on May 28th! I had just been seeing his main nurse because he was never available, but I get to see him next time, which is nice.

He also gave me great news, or at least clarified what he had said before. I thought I was going to be getting 12 treatments, then a few more treatements instead of chemo. But apparently, I'm getting 12 treatments total! 8 treatments, then 4 more instead of radiation! SO HAPPY! So, if all goes as planned, and none of my treatments are pushed back, I'll have my last treatment on December 4th! Maybe I'll be declared in remission by 2009!

I have a CT scan scheduled for August 28th, the day before chemo #5, to see how the cancer is reacting. Dr. Chen poked around my collarbone area and didn't really find anything! The lymph nodes have shrunk so much already that he couldn't even feel them! I still have to receive all 12 treatments, but it's nice to know that it's working, especially because my hair is still sticking around! I know there's no correlation between the success of the treatment and hair falling out, but when your hair isn't coming out in clumps like everyone said it would, it makes you wonder. There's still a chance I could go bald, but most people have buzzed their heads by this point because so much is falling out. But mine just doesn't want to go! I wash and blow dry my hair every morning, treating it like normal, and it's still on my head. Maybe it helped that I chopped it all off. Besides, I needed a style change, haha.

Dr. Chen also finally showed me my first CT/PET scans because I told him I had never seen them. OMG SO COOL. I can't even quite describe it, but he could spin the picture of my body in 3D, and he showed me the PET, which was as if my body were sliced like a loaf of bread, then he would show me each slice and the layers of the cancer. The CT scan was black and white, and the really dark black blobs were the parts of my body that had taken up the glucose (a fluid you have to drink before the scan - DISGUSTING). At first it looked like there was cancer EVERYWHERE, but he explained to me that the cancer isn't the only thing to take up the glucose. The heart, bladder, kidneys, baby fat strips on your shoulders to your chest, and other portions also take up the sugar. He made sure to point out what was actually cancer and what wasn't. The PET scan showed these black portions as glowing red patches instead. Also super cool.

The building at work today is like a big brick oven. There's no air conditioning so I've opened all the windows in all of the offices I have access to. I'm the only one here today, so it's also really quiet and I don't have much to do. I really shouldn't complain, but it makes the day go by quite a bit slower than when I have lots of tasks to get done. Oh well, I should enjoy it while I feel good.

The ABC's of Chemo

I saw this on Jenne's blog awhile ago, so now that I'm in the throes of chemotherapy, I thought I would make my own. Here is a list of all the different chemicals and medicines going into my body these days. Sadly, I'll probably be adding to this list as treatments progress.

A - Adriamycin (chemo drug)
B - Bleomycin (chemo drug), Biotene (for mouth sores)
C - Chemotherapy (in general)
D - Dacarbazine (chemo drug), Dexamethasone (for nausea)
E -
F -
G - Gabapentin (for hot flashes)
H - Heparin (to keep the port from clotting)
I -
J -
K -
L - Lupron (to preserve my ovaries), Lorazepam (for anxiety/to help me sleep), Lidocaine (to numb the port when it's accessed)
M -
N -
O - Omeprazole (for heartburn)
P - Prochlorperazin (for further nausea if the Dex doesn't work)
Q -
R -
S - Saline flushes (to clean the port's catheter of chemicals)
T - Tylenol (for EVERYTHING else)
U -
V - Vinblastin (chemo drug)
W -
X -
Y -
Z -

There are fifteen on the list as of now. Let's see where I'm at in a couple months. Hopefully not too many more! Oh, and this doesn't even count the fertility hormones I was on before the egg retrieval. Let's just say, I am "le tired."

Sicky McSickerson

I have decided I don't like beige-colored tissues because I can't tell how green my snot is after I blow my nose. I know that sounds gross, but it's a legitimate concern for me. No, seriously. It is. :o)

Trevor picked me up early from work on Tuesday, and I stayed home on Wednesday and Thursday because I felt miserable. I'm still coughing and a bit stuffed up, but I feel much better than I did the past few days. This cold has really hit me hard, most likely because of my weakened immune system. SO FRUSTRATING. Usually the week after chemo, I'm feeling a little depressed and have myself a good cry on Tuesday or Wednesday, but this week, I think the neighbor's water leak downstairs was due to my crying. It was really rough. And I know being curled up in bed, crying all alone probably doesn't help the situation, but it's just what I needed to do. The good news is, I think all that crying and snot-releasing helped clear up my cold faster! Throughout the day yesterday, the resulting Rorschach snot-blot tests became less and less green, indicating the infection was leaving my body, slowly but surely. Hopefully I'll be completely fine for treatment next Thursday. I'll also be getting a CT scan after treatment #4 to see how well the chemo is working. It's exciting but nerve-wracking at the same time.

I watched Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture." I really want to read the book. It's so sad such an amazing person had to be taken from the world. Well, it's so sad when anyone is taken, but this guy was different. You just have to watch it to understand.