Exhausted

The past couple of days have been rough. The weekend was rough. I stayed home from work yesterday and today. I'm not much fun lately. Trevor is still out of town on business. I miss him.

I found out a woman in my web design class was recently diagnosed with cancer, too. Not sure what kind, and I would NEVER wish cancer on anyone - and I wish it never had to happen - but it's kind of nice to know I'm not alone.

Chemo #7

Tomorrow is chemo #7.

Over the hump.

Finally.

I found out today that my friend, Luke, died in a boating accident yesterday. When he sang, he sounded like James Taylor. He will be missed terribly by everyone who knew him.

Luke Rogers

July 19, 1989 - September 20, 2008

LIGHT THE NIGHT!

Tonight is the Light the Night walk around Green Lake to raise money for the LLS!

Click the image to donate to the team walking in my honor, Paige's Peeps!

Stay Puft

This is how I'm feeling these days:

No one checks you out when you have cancer.

I'm not myself.

I miss my old body.

I have never been this fat. I'm developing a double chin.

I miss my long hair. It's falling out non-stop now, but you can't tell if you look at my head. It's so annoying and I can't stand it anymore. I guess I should be happy I'm not bald.

I'm worn out.

I started taking the bus to work on Monday. It sucks.

Yesterday, I was waiting to take the bus home and I noticed a guy walk by and check me out. Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I realized it hadn't happened in SO long. Yeah, I feel pretty unattractive these days.

Oh yeah, and my pants don't fit anymore.

My blood counts lied to me.

Remember those "nearly normal" neutrophil counts the week before last Friday? So, they lied. I know this is rather late to be posting this now, but Thursday's pre-chemo CBC came back with a neutrophil count of 3.3! How could this be?!

The doctor I saw explained that perhaps there really was a bladder infection on the way at the time of that first blood test, and that my white blood cells were upped to fight that infection. Then, because there was no infection to be fought anymore, the levels dropped. LAME.

And it's been decided. I'm going to bed at 9:30 tonight. Tomorrow is the first day of taking the bus, and Trevor's taking it with me to the U tomorrow to study at the library. He's starting work on Tuesday(!) so he has to get used to getting up early, too, instead of 10 minutes before we leave, haha.

A breakthrough.

I AM HALF WAY DONE WITH CHEMO.

Blood

I got my blood work results this morning from Friday's fun trip to Urgent Care: My neutrophil counts were at 1.98 that day! That's .02 away from being considered "normal!"

Of pee and other things.

Okay. Seriously. Are we done yet? This chemo thing is getting really old.

My body feels like it's rotting from the inside out. I made the stupid decision not to take Ambien last night because, "Oh, I'm already taking enough drugs, and I don't want to get hooked on it."

SCREW. THAT.

I can worry about an Ambien addiction after chemo. Because right now, I need my sleep. I was really kicking myself last night, in my lack-of-Ambien-induced state. HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?

And now to talk about urine. Yes, P-E-E. And I'm not going to leave out any details.

Yesterday around 4:00pm or 4:30pm I went to the bathroom and noticed it burned a little. When I "cleaned myself up," I noticed there may have been a trace of blood in my urine, but I couldn't tell; so as Trevor and I were driving home, I called the consulting nurse and she instructed us that we were going to have to turn around and go straight to Urgent Care. FANtastic.

When we got there, I checked in, and got a mask from the front desk. The consulting nurse said it was IMPERATIVE that I get a mask. Like I might DIE if I DID NOT LOOK LIKE A PAINTER while sitting in the Urgent Care waiting room. Trevor made sure it was secure by squeezing the little metal tab on my nose. Thanks, babe.

(By the way, we were the only people there, so no one else got to witness my baby blue Darth Vader-ness.)

My name was called and we went and waited in an exam room (blood pressure and temp taken, yadda, yadda, yadda). I told the nurse I had just peed an hour ago and that I was going to need some "assistance," so he brought me a HUGE flimsy pink plastic pitcher of water and a cup.

Trevor and I looked around the room but unfortunately couldn't locate a beer bong, so I had to just chug it straight from the cup. Too bad.

We sat awhile - me incredibly uncomfortable with my water-logged stomach - and waited until I had to, how do you say... "go."

It is here that I would write an incredibly lame dialogue of the phone ringing and having the nurse tell me it's for me, that it's nature calling, but I'll spare you.

If you have never peed in a cup before, I will tell you it's quite a process. Well, not so much for guys, I suppose, since they're so... external... but it's a process nonetheless. Especially when you're wearing a cute yellow summer dress. Hey, at least it was yellow...

Whenever I've peed in a cup in the past, I've always been given "special" wipes (You know. OBSTETRIC wipes. Just to sound smarter.). At this Urgent Care, however, I was given the regular bag with the cup inside - and a PILE OF GAUZE. Little gauze pads that I was supposed to wet under the faucet instead of the OBSTETRIC wipes. Needless to say, I just didn't feel as "clean" as I probably should have.

Now, the actual peeing into the cup is complicated, too, because you can't simply start peeing into the cup. OH, NO. You have to start peeing and THEN catch the stream because you want a "clean" sample (which I don't quite understand because aren't they looking for an infection anyway?). The pee almost always ends up on your hands, and that's just unpleasant. I always have paper towels and more OBSTETRIC wipes at the ready, laid out in a nice, obsessive-compulsive order on the oh-so-sanitary floor, or a nearby metal shelf (if I'm lucky).

THIS time, I only had my stupid PILE OF GAUZE. Luckily I had thought ahead of time and saved some for this post-peeing procedure, and didn't use them all up during the pre-peeing procedure of CLEANING MY NETHER REGIONS. Despite the word OBSTETRIC, I really missed those wipes.

I got all "reorganized," and handed off my bag o' pee to the nurse who took it off to some super-secret lab to get tested. Oh yeah, and it was warm. Nice.

After waiting in the room for another half hour (after getting my blood drawn from a nice guy who said his nickname was "Bong" because his initials were P-O-T), the PA came in and said my pee was clean and that we had to get out because they needed the room for people who were actually sick. Hel-LO? CANCER? 

Just kidding. She was actually really nice.

After dinner at Trevor's parents' house, he dropped me off at home so I could go to sleep and he went out with the guys. I got online for a little bit, checked my email, and found I had one from my health insurance's online service saying I had new lab results. I went to the website and found something COMPLETELY different than results for a bladder infection:

"Pregnancy Urine - NEGATIVE"

Now, I was a little confused... Sure I was happy it was negative (again), but I definitely hadn't asked them to do a pregnancy test, and there was nothing there regarding a UTI, so I was worried they had just switched tests on someone - and THAT someone is really confused because they're stomach is sticking out to *here* and they're being told they have a bladder infection, not that they're pregnant.

I called the consulting nurse this morning and she thought it was HILARIOUS. But luckily, she also told me that they had, in fact, performed a proper urinalysis and that I did not have any infection. Phew. Clean pee. I sound like a relieved druggie. :o)

I look like myself as a first grader - chipmunk cheeks

Still round in the face.
And round in the love handle region. I can't wait until my hair grows long again and I lose all this weight I've put on, although that's gonna be awhile from now!

Ach, I'm ready for this to be over and done with. I have a pulmonary function test tomorrow to see how my lungs are holding up.

Grr, and I'm always hungry. Sure doesn't help with the weight gain!

And my sleep schedule seems to have flipped. I'm exhausted during the day, then I can't sleep well past 2am. I think I'm going to ask my onc for some Ambien.

Fat Face

Unfortunately, this post-treatment weekend hasn't treated me nearly as well as the last.

Fortunately, this is a three-day weekend so I have one more day to rest up. Trevor and I are going to get brunch with Sarah and her parents this morning, too, which should be lovely.

The Dexamethasone is making my face puffy and round and red. Argh. And I have felt a twinge of nausea this time around, although I think it's due to association, not the actual drugs, because I only really feel it when I think about chemo. Blech.