Third time's the charm

Treatment #3 is today. One fourth of the way done! Well, sure, right now I'm looking at it optimistically, but I know that in a few days, when I'm writhing miserably, a mess of depressed tears and hot flashes, I'll be saying "OH GOD, I STILL HAVE SO FAR TO GO."

More about hair

A recent interaction Trevor and I had at Trader Joe's:

"I wonder if more lesbians will hit on me now with my short hair. I mean, obviously not all women with short hair are lesbians, and not all lesbians have short hair, but I'm just wondering."

10 minutes later...

"Oh, look, there's a woman with short hair like me!"

At that moment, the woman leaned over and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek.

Booooooat race, boat race, boat race, boat race...

My friend, Chris, came into town last night after a nice long drive from the Portland area. I whipped up a faux stir-fry (with capellini, haha) and some potstickers. It turned out alright for complete improvisation. It also felt good to be up and active after being down for a week. After dinner we walked to QA Ave and had dessert at the 5 Spot with Celeste and after THAT we went on a boat adventure! Well, not exactly. It turns out his friend (who's actually from the east coast) is "watching" (living on, really) a sailboat on South Lake Union for the summer, so we went to go check it out. We got there and just hung out with him and this other girl who's living there, too. It's a pretty sweet summer life. We exchanged numbers and I'm going to show them all the cool things only the local Seattleites know about. They've been here for about a month already, but I get the feeling they haven't seen a ton yet. I'm excited to play tourguide.

Tonight is Temple Camp Reunion Shabbat at our synagogue. Trevor can't come because of the CPA exam (le duh, it's completely taken over his life), but I'll still go and see everyone. I'm actually really excited! I wish Trevor could come, though, because that's where everything started with us. But it's fine because we're going to be having these reunions for the rest of our lives, haha. We're all so obsessed with camp.

Yesterday I came home and found a package from Jessica waiting for me. It was full of fun scarves and a shirt and a little note saying it was "just for fun or flair," if I need or want them. Chris also brought me a letter from Matty, and told me that all of Shades were actually planning on writing me letters, which nearly brought tears to my eyes had I not been so sleepy this morning before Trevor and I left for work. It's really awful that all this is happening, but it has really shown me how much people care, and I'm so grateful to have these people in my life.

When Chris and I went to the boat last night, I was kind of hoping the whole "cancer thing" wouldn't come up. The people on the boat didn't know me (well, I had met the guy once) and therefore didn't know I had cancer (hey, they're not even my facebook friends yet). I thought about how it would be if I wasn't just "that girl who has cancer." But, sure enough, cancer had to come up and I had to open my big mouth and bring it up. I didn't want to. I really didn't. It's just that it's all I seem to live and breathe these days so it's hard not being around someone who doesn't know. The good news, though, is that Kevin and Leah (the boat peeps) told me about how they do complimentary sailing trips for patients through the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, which would be SO COOL. I'm really going to take advantage of that.

Also, I'm not quite sure if my hair is coming out yet or not... only time will tell. I'm kind of ready for it to just go and get it over with, but maybe I'll regret saying that later.

Crying is great.

I really need to remember that when I feel shitty, I just need to have a good cry. It helps every time. And I also have to remember that after I cry once, I'm usually going to have to cry again later, so I should try to get it all out at once.

Trevor and I really don't get much face time anymore, him studying for the CPA exams, and me with, well, the whole "chemo thing." But today after we got home (after we grabbed some delicious, much-needed Dick's deluxes/cheeseburgers/shakes), we had a terrific snuggle, despite delicate emotions, sore skin, and achy muscles (all my issues, obviously). I'm still not 100% after that (wow, I wish tears were THAT good), but crying got out a whole lot of crap and "rejuvenated" me, even gave me some energy to start cleaning up the bedroom so we no longer have bags and boxes of shoes and clothes laying all over the floor (okay, yes, they're MY shoes and clothes). My closet door can actually be CLOSED. I'm quite happy about it.

Tomorrow, my friend Chris is coming into town from Portland and I'm really excited to see him. I might hang out with him and some other people this weekend, too, as it is the Capital Hill Block Party. I've never actually been, so it should be fun.

I'm feeling SO much better than I did earlier, even if I'm still aching. I've been in such a funk since the last treatment (well, I guess that's a given). I can just feel the disconnect between The Body and The Mind that Jenne talked about on her blog. It's so frustrating and makes me so ANGRY (and, hey, I'm the least angry person you can imagine). But I can't give in to the frustration now. It's only number 2 so I've got a ways to go.

Not in a good place in my mind.

I know I'm at work and I shouldn't be blogging at work, but I can't help it. I've been reading Jenne's blog non-stop this morning (NO ONE is around, and I'm trying to do work but I've got chemo brain and all I can think about is this cancer eating away at my body).

I had all these things I wanted to write about, but now I can't summon them. I had chemo #2 on Thursday and was a total blob all weekend. I haven't been great today, but I'm improving. A little.

It's supposed to get worse, too. Instead of just a few days after chemo of feeling like I don't exist, it will eventually last the entire two weeks between treatments. Goody. I need to cry but I can't find the right place right now, and I don't want to look all red and puffy and pretend I haven't been crying when the various professors walk through the office.

My hair hasn't started falling out yet. At least I don't think so. When I wash my hair I look at my hands to see if it's coming out. I look at my pillow every morning expecting to see huge clumps sitting on the pillowcase. They're not appearing yet. Trevor tries to reassure me every morning that there's WAY more hair on his pillow and his isn't going to come back. I love that man more than anything, and he shows he loves ME more than anything by sticking around, by taking care of me every second of every day, even though he has this stupid CPA exam(s) to study for.

Mom came over and cooked dinner for us Saturday and Sunday evening, and I think she's going to do the same tonight. I just don't think I'll have the energy. Here comes a week of me climbing into comfier clothes the second I get home.

I was awake a lot of last night, tossing and turning because of the Leupron. I get a Leupron injection once a month to protect my ovaries from the chemo by basically putting my body into a state of menopause. This means hot flashes. That keep me up all night. My mom is going through the same thing, but hers is the real deal as we're 27 years apart. Meno-PARTY.

Two down, ten to go! Almost in the single digits!

Chemo #2 was yesterday after being pushed back a week. It was at the brand new Bellevue facility which was probably the nicest hospital I've ever been to!

It went like clockwork (thanks to the port!). My dad took me in, then my mom came and took me home. She hung out for about and hour and half until Trevor came home, and then the nausea kicked in. And this isn't the kind of nausea where you can just throw up and feel better instantly. This is the kind that just lingers in your stomach and keeps you from really doing much. Blech. So I took some anti-nausea meds and some Lorazepam (gosh, I love that stuff) and went to bed around 8pm. I slept through the night! Whoo hoo! I didn't even hear Trevor come to bed around 11:30pm. He's been studying non-stop for the CPA exam (2 out of 4) and we only really get face time when we're scarfing our dinner together. I miss him. *sob* I can't wait until the CPA exams are all over (October), and my chemo is all over (hopefully by January *fingers crossed* and I'm adding in quite a bit of over-time into that, just so I don't get my hopes up). Life will sure be a whole lot easier.

Delays

My haircut is great. Even though I miss my long hair a bit, this hair is SOOOO easy to manage.

But the reason I got my haircut didn't actually happen. I went in for my second chemo treatment but I couldn't get it because my white blood cell counts were WAAAAYYYY too low. A normal person's start at 2.00. Mine were at 0.40. Yeah, THAT low. I'm guessing I would've died if they gave me #2. So, it got pushed back a week to this Thursday. Rar. Frustrating. But at least I've been able to enjoy this weekend.

I've been sewing and cooking and hanging out with friends. It's been wonderful! But this Thursday ends all that. Again. Wish me luck.

Hopefully I won't look too much like a boy.

I'M CUTTING ALL MY HAIR OFF TODAY.

Chemo #2 is today, and after lots of research from other peoples' Hodgkin's blogs, it seems most peoples' hair started falling out a few days after treatment #2.

This is a big deal for me because I've never had short hair in my entire life. I'm more nervous about this than the chemo.

My hair is going to be shorter than my boyfriend's. And my brother's (but his hair is shoulder-length, so a lot of non-boyish haircuts would still be shorter than his). And my dad's. Sheesh.

I'm aiming for the Alyssa Milano cut when she lopped all of her hair off:

I was originally thinking of a longer style, but I realized that, because my hair is so thick, I would have to straighten it everyday to keep it from looking like a huge puff ball on top of my head. And that's just a hassle. Plus, the straightening would just make it fall out faster. With the "Alyssa Milano cut," it will be really low maintenance and hopefully I won't look like I've been electrocuted every time I wake up in the morning.

I'll try to post before and after pictures here later. Who knows, maybe I'll like it better than long hair because it'll be so low-maintenance. But I have a feeling I'll miss my hair. This may sound creepy but I'm going to keep my ponytail until my hair starts growing back again. Just to compare my post-chemo hair with my pre-chemo hair. Right... Still creepy.

Still going strong

This past weekend was WONDERFUL. I have been so full of energy and the apartment is coming along really well. I was able to hang out with people and do so many different things! I just hate to see it all end after chemo #2 this Thursday.

I made the appointment to chop all of my hair off on Thursday. I've never had short hair in my entire life. This is going to be interesting.

Mira is coming over for dinner tonight, then Natalie and her boyfriend, Andrew, are coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Sunday evening we went over to Strauss' house and he cooked us AMAZING steak with delicious bleu cheese and cherry tomatoes and fancy herbs and sauces. Even the salad was to-die-for. It's so nice to have a friend who went to culinary school. He said if we buy all the food he'll cook it up for dinner parties at our place! I can't wait for that!

I just found out last night that my friend Diana (who I went to India with) is a health intern at a hospital in Nepal until December. I immediately wrote her a letter and sent it off. I hope she's doing well. Actually, I'm sure she's doing well. She's always seemed very versatile, and she was really good at Nepali. I also wrote a letter to Punam (well, Emily), but I still don't actually have her address. Hopefully she'll get it to me soon.

I love my guts

I may regret saying this later because my stomach could change its mind any day now, but I LOVE MY GUTS.

When I was living in India last year, I didn't get sick ONCE. I was there for nearly five months. FIVE FRICKIN' MONTHS. And my intestines never freaked out on me.

That said, I haven't had even a hint of nausea yet from the chemo. Not only that, but I haven't been constipated either! This may be WAY too much information, but I think it's something to celebrate. Or at least document so when it does happen, I can keep track as to when the train finally came barreling down the tracks.

Taking the day off yesterday was really good for me. I even started organizing my closet a little, hung a few more articles up and started putting Trevor's clothes away in the dresser. We went to my parents' house for pizza and free laundry-washing last night. It was nice to relocate all the clothes we thought had gone missing during the move. Nope, they were all still right where we left them, in a heap on the floor of the family room. They were still drying when we left so we're going to pick them up tonight after work. Yay for clean clothes, no nausea, well-restedness, and a wonderful boyfriend!

Bad mood

I didn't go to work today. Sleep was just too elusive last night and my whole body ached. Not just my muscles, but my SKIN hurt. I also had a much-needed cry yesterday after work and I still have a sinus headache left over from it.

I had been doing so well, too. Not that I'm doing bad now, but I just definitely don't feel great. At ALL. I feel like I should be up and organizing our new place, or at least out in the sunshine, but I just feel too miserable to do much of anything. I feel emotional, and every once in awhile I'll start tearing up for no good reason. Well, I guess you could say I have a good reason, but it's rather inopportune when it happens. And when it happens when I'm home alone, laying on the couch, it's just depressing. And no one wants to be depressing.

I need a shower. Or a bath would be nice. But just bathing takes energy. At school I was always doing SO many things, and yet I was so put together, organized, etc. I was ridiculously busy, but somehow it all worked. Now I feel like nothing is going on, and I feel like I can't do ANYTHING. It's completely the opposite of how I'm used to feeling. And it sucks.

Okay, well enough of that ranting. I'm just having a bad day. And I think I'm allowed to rant once in awhile, don't you think?

Good news is, my "Hodgkin's itch" is just about completely GONE!

I'm still alive, don't worry!

So, it's been awhile. A LONG while. A LOT has happened in this past month.

Today is Tuesday. I started chemo last Thursday, and since then I just haven't been my normal chipper self. On Friday, the day after Chemo #1, I felt completely normal, all except for a metal taste in my mouth. Saturday, I felt SO worn out. Like I'd been hit by a truck. Sunday was a bit better but I still wasn't up to speed and I got worn out early again. Yesterday was my first day at work, and my mouth was hurting a lot and I felt really worn out by the end of the day.

Trevor picked me up after work and we went and got me a Jamba Juice. I went with the Peanut Butter Moo'd, though, because the tartness of the other flavors would have sent my sensitive mouth/tastebuds into a tizzy. Such weird side effects. Today for example, my fingertips have started numbing up a bit. I guess it's expected, though.

My friends have been so wonderful. Celeste and Alia came over on Sunday (Doug and David hung out, too) and cooked dinner, which was SO wonderful, and also great because then we didn't have to cook dinner last night either because of all the left-overs.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: Trevor and I moved into our apartment! Finally! But because we both work full-time, and because I'm so zonked from the chemo, unpacking has been such a feat. Just keeping the house clean is difficult because Trevor is also studying non-stop for the CPA exam. Hey, when it rains, it pours.

I also haven't been sleeping very well. This strange June heatwave is hard to deal with, and Trevor and I can't snuggle through it so I can never feel comfortable. I guess summer is a good time to be going through this, though, because then I'll be bald and stay cool. *sob* I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole hairloss thing, but it's going to be hard... Cute hats, here we come!