No complaints!

The wedding was beautiful and I still feel like I didn't have treatment last Thursday! It would be wonderful if this feeling continued for the rest of my treatments, although I have a hunch it won't... The floaters in my peripheral vision have increased, but that's the only complaint I have today. Oh, that, and some heartburn, and it being terribly quiet at work today. Off to lunch!

Still feeling good - Neutrophil counts, I love you!

The pirate party was a success last night! We stayed for about an hour and half, but it was definitely entertaining. Everyone was so dressed up! I think Jon made quite a bit of money for the Light the Night walk, too! (I forgot to mention that he had been growing out his beard for the party, and a tennis club member asked him why he was looking so scruffy. He told her about the party and about how it was a fundraiser for LLS and about me - not sure if she knew me - and she decided she wanted to pay for the keg! So nice of her!)

And this morning, I feel good enough to go to Blair and Lauren's wedding! Jamie and Leah are going to pick me up around 9:30am and then we get to drive a nice long four hours to the Washington-Oregon border. Trevor said it's absolutely beautiful down there and that there's so much stuff to do. Maybe we'll go there for our remission vacation.

YAR!

I feel pretty good today! Definitely not like the first two post-treatment weekends. I really think it has to do with my neutrophil levels being higher than the past few times. There's a very good chance I'll be able to go to Blair and Lauren's wedding tomorrow.

Trevor and Chelsie drove down last night, so my mom spent the night with me to make sure everything was okay. She hung out for awhile today, too, and she'll be back a little later to check in. Celeste and I are going to stop by Jon's swashbuckling pirate party tonight where he's raising money for the Light the Night walk! I was so touched when I found out he was throwing the party in my honor and to raise money for the LLS. We're going to dress up like pirates! YAR! I took a shower and started to get ready for the day, but so far I still just have my bathrobe on - but I've accessorized with a red pirate bandana on my head, haha.

I talked to Trevor today and he said he caught a big steel head trout when they were out on the boat for Blair's "bachelor party" today! So exciting! I'm happy that I get to see him tomorrow. It's really amazing how much I miss him when we're apart, even just for a day. :o)

HOT and ALONE but HAPPY

Chemo #4 was a success yesterday! Mira and Kaston came to visit, and when my mom came to pick me up, Hunter came, too! So many fun visitors!

I finally got to see Dr. Chen, my oncologist, too! The last time I had seen him was when we did my bone marrow biopsy on May 28th! I had just been seeing his main nurse because he was never available, but I get to see him next time, which is nice.

He also gave me great news, or at least clarified what he had said before. I thought I was going to be getting 12 treatments, then a few more treatements instead of chemo. But apparently, I'm getting 12 treatments total! 8 treatments, then 4 more instead of radiation! SO HAPPY! So, if all goes as planned, and none of my treatments are pushed back, I'll have my last treatment on December 4th! Maybe I'll be declared in remission by 2009!

I have a CT scan scheduled for August 28th, the day before chemo #5, to see how the cancer is reacting. Dr. Chen poked around my collarbone area and didn't really find anything! The lymph nodes have shrunk so much already that he couldn't even feel them! I still have to receive all 12 treatments, but it's nice to know that it's working, especially because my hair is still sticking around! I know there's no correlation between the success of the treatment and hair falling out, but when your hair isn't coming out in clumps like everyone said it would, it makes you wonder. There's still a chance I could go bald, but most people have buzzed their heads by this point because so much is falling out. But mine just doesn't want to go! I wash and blow dry my hair every morning, treating it like normal, and it's still on my head. Maybe it helped that I chopped it all off. Besides, I needed a style change, haha.

Dr. Chen also finally showed me my first CT/PET scans because I told him I had never seen them. OMG SO COOL. I can't even quite describe it, but he could spin the picture of my body in 3D, and he showed me the PET, which was as if my body were sliced like a loaf of bread, then he would show me each slice and the layers of the cancer. The CT scan was black and white, and the really dark black blobs were the parts of my body that had taken up the glucose (a fluid you have to drink before the scan - DISGUSTING). At first it looked like there was cancer EVERYWHERE, but he explained to me that the cancer isn't the only thing to take up the glucose. The heart, bladder, kidneys, baby fat strips on your shoulders to your chest, and other portions also take up the sugar. He made sure to point out what was actually cancer and what wasn't. The PET scan showed these black portions as glowing red patches instead. Also super cool.

The building at work today is like a big brick oven. There's no air conditioning so I've opened all the windows in all of the offices I have access to. I'm the only one here today, so it's also really quiet and I don't have much to do. I really shouldn't complain, but it makes the day go by quite a bit slower than when I have lots of tasks to get done. Oh well, I should enjoy it while I feel good.

The ABC's of Chemo

I saw this on Jenne's blog awhile ago, so now that I'm in the throes of chemotherapy, I thought I would make my own. Here is a list of all the different chemicals and medicines going into my body these days. Sadly, I'll probably be adding to this list as treatments progress.

A - Adriamycin (chemo drug)
B - Bleomycin (chemo drug), Biotene (for mouth sores)
C - Chemotherapy (in general)
D - Dacarbazine (chemo drug), Dexamethasone (for nausea)
E -
F -
G - Gabapentin (for hot flashes)
H - Heparin (to keep the port from clotting)
I -
J -
K -
L - Lupron (to preserve my ovaries), Lorazepam (for anxiety/to help me sleep), Lidocaine (to numb the port when it's accessed)
M -
N -
O - Omeprazole (for heartburn)
P - Prochlorperazin (for further nausea if the Dex doesn't work)
Q -
R -
S - Saline flushes (to clean the port's catheter of chemicals)
T - Tylenol (for EVERYTHING else)
U -
V - Vinblastin (chemo drug)
W -
X -
Y -
Z -

There are fifteen on the list as of now. Let's see where I'm at in a couple months. Hopefully not too many more! Oh, and this doesn't even count the fertility hormones I was on before the egg retrieval. Let's just say, I am "le tired."

Sicky McSickerson

I have decided I don't like beige-colored tissues because I can't tell how green my snot is after I blow my nose. I know that sounds gross, but it's a legitimate concern for me. No, seriously. It is. :o)

Trevor picked me up early from work on Tuesday, and I stayed home on Wednesday and Thursday because I felt miserable. I'm still coughing and a bit stuffed up, but I feel much better than I did the past few days. This cold has really hit me hard, most likely because of my weakened immune system. SO FRUSTRATING. Usually the week after chemo, I'm feeling a little depressed and have myself a good cry on Tuesday or Wednesday, but this week, I think the neighbor's water leak downstairs was due to my crying. It was really rough. And I know being curled up in bed, crying all alone probably doesn't help the situation, but it's just what I needed to do. The good news is, I think all that crying and snot-releasing helped clear up my cold faster! Throughout the day yesterday, the resulting Rorschach snot-blot tests became less and less green, indicating the infection was leaving my body, slowly but surely. Hopefully I'll be completely fine for treatment next Thursday. I'll also be getting a CT scan after treatment #4 to see how well the chemo is working. It's exciting but nerve-wracking at the same time.

I watched Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture." I really want to read the book. It's so sad such an amazing person had to be taken from the world. Well, it's so sad when anyone is taken, but this guy was different. You just have to watch it to understand.

Third time's the charm?

For some reason, this weekend wasn't as bad as most post-chemo weekends. It just didn't make sense. I woke up Saturday expecting to lay the day away in bed, but I actually moved around the apartment a bit, saw my friend Mariana (as she was passing through Seattle), and got some things done. Sunday I made third of a batch of cookies (the rest of the dough is sitting in the fridge waiting to be popped in the oven), then got pooped, but later in the evening Trevor and I managed to make it to Celeste's house for an impromptu BBQ. We stayed for about an hour, and it was good to get out of the apartment and be social for a bit. Cancer and the CPA exam really make us the least-fun couple around, haha.

I feel less "chemo-brainy" than usual, too. Maybe this week won't be so bad. I still can't quite figure out why I feel better than usual. I guess I should just stop wondering and enjoy it!

One fourth DONE!

Yesterday went as smoothly as possible. My port's catheter seemed clogged at first, but the nurse got it flowing again. The Heparin (anti-clogging "juice" that's injected at the end of a treatment to help keep the catheter from clogging for the next treatment) must not have worked as well. Oh well, it still worked, although it was a little alarming because I was worried the port needle wasn't in the right place, and the chemo chemicals would go in the wrong place and burn my insides. The Adrimycin is so bad you would need reconstructive surgery if it got on your skin! Yikes! But luckily, the blood appeared as it should have and all was fine. Jamie and Leah came to visit, so that was nice, too. Leah brought me a big stack of magazines, too, which will come in handy this weekend.

This chemo treatment was a little more depressing than usual, though. I had to wait a little longer than usual for a couple of things, and it unfortunately gave me time to just stare at the syringes and bags of drugs sitting on the little table next to me. Looking at the port all hooked up to my chest, and watching the chemicals get pumped in was a little harder than usual to deal with, and I found myself tearing up a little at times, but I held it together and kept on reading Marta Stewart Living. I guess it's just hard to watch the drugs go in, knowing that they're basically trying to come as close to killing me without actually doing so; that these chemicals are actually going to keep me alive in the long run, but that I'm going to feel absolutely miserable this weekend and the upcoming week. This is definitely not what I had in mind for the summer after college graduation.

Usually I'll have my own little room at the Seattle clinic, and last time at Bellevue I was the only one there, but this time there were two other couples there. One old man was getting (what I think was) a blood transfusion. He seemed to be in good spirits, and he and his wife were really cute and obviously loved each other very much. They smiled and said goodbye to me as they left. There was also another older couple, but the wife was receiving treatment of some kind. I couldn't see her for awhile, but I could hear her talking: "If 911 comes, remember, I don't want to be resuscitated!" When I saw her, she didn't look that old, but I guess she was just so miserable she didn't care about living or dying, no matter her age. I tried to smile at her as I left, and I think I got somewhat of a smile in return. I hoped it helped her a little bit. I know that when the older couple left, and they smiled at me, it made me feel better. Every little bit of support, especially from other cancer patients, really helps.

Third time's the charm

Treatment #3 is today. One fourth of the way done! Well, sure, right now I'm looking at it optimistically, but I know that in a few days, when I'm writhing miserably, a mess of depressed tears and hot flashes, I'll be saying "OH GOD, I STILL HAVE SO FAR TO GO."

More about hair

A recent interaction Trevor and I had at Trader Joe's:

"I wonder if more lesbians will hit on me now with my short hair. I mean, obviously not all women with short hair are lesbians, and not all lesbians have short hair, but I'm just wondering."

10 minutes later...

"Oh, look, there's a woman with short hair like me!"

At that moment, the woman leaned over and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek.

Booooooat race, boat race, boat race, boat race...

My friend, Chris, came into town last night after a nice long drive from the Portland area. I whipped up a faux stir-fry (with capellini, haha) and some potstickers. It turned out alright for complete improvisation. It also felt good to be up and active after being down for a week. After dinner we walked to QA Ave and had dessert at the 5 Spot with Celeste and after THAT we went on a boat adventure! Well, not exactly. It turns out his friend (who's actually from the east coast) is "watching" (living on, really) a sailboat on South Lake Union for the summer, so we went to go check it out. We got there and just hung out with him and this other girl who's living there, too. It's a pretty sweet summer life. We exchanged numbers and I'm going to show them all the cool things only the local Seattleites know about. They've been here for about a month already, but I get the feeling they haven't seen a ton yet. I'm excited to play tourguide.

Tonight is Temple Camp Reunion Shabbat at our synagogue. Trevor can't come because of the CPA exam (le duh, it's completely taken over his life), but I'll still go and see everyone. I'm actually really excited! I wish Trevor could come, though, because that's where everything started with us. But it's fine because we're going to be having these reunions for the rest of our lives, haha. We're all so obsessed with camp.

Yesterday I came home and found a package from Jessica waiting for me. It was full of fun scarves and a shirt and a little note saying it was "just for fun or flair," if I need or want them. Chris also brought me a letter from Matty, and told me that all of Shades were actually planning on writing me letters, which nearly brought tears to my eyes had I not been so sleepy this morning before Trevor and I left for work. It's really awful that all this is happening, but it has really shown me how much people care, and I'm so grateful to have these people in my life.

When Chris and I went to the boat last night, I was kind of hoping the whole "cancer thing" wouldn't come up. The people on the boat didn't know me (well, I had met the guy once) and therefore didn't know I had cancer (hey, they're not even my facebook friends yet). I thought about how it would be if I wasn't just "that girl who has cancer." But, sure enough, cancer had to come up and I had to open my big mouth and bring it up. I didn't want to. I really didn't. It's just that it's all I seem to live and breathe these days so it's hard not being around someone who doesn't know. The good news, though, is that Kevin and Leah (the boat peeps) told me about how they do complimentary sailing trips for patients through the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, which would be SO COOL. I'm really going to take advantage of that.

Also, I'm not quite sure if my hair is coming out yet or not... only time will tell. I'm kind of ready for it to just go and get it over with, but maybe I'll regret saying that later.

Crying is great.

I really need to remember that when I feel shitty, I just need to have a good cry. It helps every time. And I also have to remember that after I cry once, I'm usually going to have to cry again later, so I should try to get it all out at once.

Trevor and I really don't get much face time anymore, him studying for the CPA exams, and me with, well, the whole "chemo thing." But today after we got home (after we grabbed some delicious, much-needed Dick's deluxes/cheeseburgers/shakes), we had a terrific snuggle, despite delicate emotions, sore skin, and achy muscles (all my issues, obviously). I'm still not 100% after that (wow, I wish tears were THAT good), but crying got out a whole lot of crap and "rejuvenated" me, even gave me some energy to start cleaning up the bedroom so we no longer have bags and boxes of shoes and clothes laying all over the floor (okay, yes, they're MY shoes and clothes). My closet door can actually be CLOSED. I'm quite happy about it.

Tomorrow, my friend Chris is coming into town from Portland and I'm really excited to see him. I might hang out with him and some other people this weekend, too, as it is the Capital Hill Block Party. I've never actually been, so it should be fun.

I'm feeling SO much better than I did earlier, even if I'm still aching. I've been in such a funk since the last treatment (well, I guess that's a given). I can just feel the disconnect between The Body and The Mind that Jenne talked about on her blog. It's so frustrating and makes me so ANGRY (and, hey, I'm the least angry person you can imagine). But I can't give in to the frustration now. It's only number 2 so I've got a ways to go.

Not in a good place in my mind.

I know I'm at work and I shouldn't be blogging at work, but I can't help it. I've been reading Jenne's blog non-stop this morning (NO ONE is around, and I'm trying to do work but I've got chemo brain and all I can think about is this cancer eating away at my body).

I had all these things I wanted to write about, but now I can't summon them. I had chemo #2 on Thursday and was a total blob all weekend. I haven't been great today, but I'm improving. A little.

It's supposed to get worse, too. Instead of just a few days after chemo of feeling like I don't exist, it will eventually last the entire two weeks between treatments. Goody. I need to cry but I can't find the right place right now, and I don't want to look all red and puffy and pretend I haven't been crying when the various professors walk through the office.

My hair hasn't started falling out yet. At least I don't think so. When I wash my hair I look at my hands to see if it's coming out. I look at my pillow every morning expecting to see huge clumps sitting on the pillowcase. They're not appearing yet. Trevor tries to reassure me every morning that there's WAY more hair on his pillow and his isn't going to come back. I love that man more than anything, and he shows he loves ME more than anything by sticking around, by taking care of me every second of every day, even though he has this stupid CPA exam(s) to study for.

Mom came over and cooked dinner for us Saturday and Sunday evening, and I think she's going to do the same tonight. I just don't think I'll have the energy. Here comes a week of me climbing into comfier clothes the second I get home.

I was awake a lot of last night, tossing and turning because of the Leupron. I get a Leupron injection once a month to protect my ovaries from the chemo by basically putting my body into a state of menopause. This means hot flashes. That keep me up all night. My mom is going through the same thing, but hers is the real deal as we're 27 years apart. Meno-PARTY.

Two down, ten to go! Almost in the single digits!

Chemo #2 was yesterday after being pushed back a week. It was at the brand new Bellevue facility which was probably the nicest hospital I've ever been to!

It went like clockwork (thanks to the port!). My dad took me in, then my mom came and took me home. She hung out for about and hour and half until Trevor came home, and then the nausea kicked in. And this isn't the kind of nausea where you can just throw up and feel better instantly. This is the kind that just lingers in your stomach and keeps you from really doing much. Blech. So I took some anti-nausea meds and some Lorazepam (gosh, I love that stuff) and went to bed around 8pm. I slept through the night! Whoo hoo! I didn't even hear Trevor come to bed around 11:30pm. He's been studying non-stop for the CPA exam (2 out of 4) and we only really get face time when we're scarfing our dinner together. I miss him. *sob* I can't wait until the CPA exams are all over (October), and my chemo is all over (hopefully by January *fingers crossed* and I'm adding in quite a bit of over-time into that, just so I don't get my hopes up). Life will sure be a whole lot easier.

Delays

My haircut is great. Even though I miss my long hair a bit, this hair is SOOOO easy to manage.

But the reason I got my haircut didn't actually happen. I went in for my second chemo treatment but I couldn't get it because my white blood cell counts were WAAAAYYYY too low. A normal person's start at 2.00. Mine were at 0.40. Yeah, THAT low. I'm guessing I would've died if they gave me #2. So, it got pushed back a week to this Thursday. Rar. Frustrating. But at least I've been able to enjoy this weekend.

I've been sewing and cooking and hanging out with friends. It's been wonderful! But this Thursday ends all that. Again. Wish me luck.

Hopefully I won't look too much like a boy.

I'M CUTTING ALL MY HAIR OFF TODAY.

Chemo #2 is today, and after lots of research from other peoples' Hodgkin's blogs, it seems most peoples' hair started falling out a few days after treatment #2.

This is a big deal for me because I've never had short hair in my entire life. I'm more nervous about this than the chemo.

My hair is going to be shorter than my boyfriend's. And my brother's (but his hair is shoulder-length, so a lot of non-boyish haircuts would still be shorter than his). And my dad's. Sheesh.

I'm aiming for the Alyssa Milano cut when she lopped all of her hair off:

I was originally thinking of a longer style, but I realized that, because my hair is so thick, I would have to straighten it everyday to keep it from looking like a huge puff ball on top of my head. And that's just a hassle. Plus, the straightening would just make it fall out faster. With the "Alyssa Milano cut," it will be really low maintenance and hopefully I won't look like I've been electrocuted every time I wake up in the morning.

I'll try to post before and after pictures here later. Who knows, maybe I'll like it better than long hair because it'll be so low-maintenance. But I have a feeling I'll miss my hair. This may sound creepy but I'm going to keep my ponytail until my hair starts growing back again. Just to compare my post-chemo hair with my pre-chemo hair. Right... Still creepy.

Still going strong

This past weekend was WONDERFUL. I have been so full of energy and the apartment is coming along really well. I was able to hang out with people and do so many different things! I just hate to see it all end after chemo #2 this Thursday.

I made the appointment to chop all of my hair off on Thursday. I've never had short hair in my entire life. This is going to be interesting.

Mira is coming over for dinner tonight, then Natalie and her boyfriend, Andrew, are coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Sunday evening we went over to Strauss' house and he cooked us AMAZING steak with delicious bleu cheese and cherry tomatoes and fancy herbs and sauces. Even the salad was to-die-for. It's so nice to have a friend who went to culinary school. He said if we buy all the food he'll cook it up for dinner parties at our place! I can't wait for that!

I just found out last night that my friend Diana (who I went to India with) is a health intern at a hospital in Nepal until December. I immediately wrote her a letter and sent it off. I hope she's doing well. Actually, I'm sure she's doing well. She's always seemed very versatile, and she was really good at Nepali. I also wrote a letter to Punam (well, Emily), but I still don't actually have her address. Hopefully she'll get it to me soon.

I love my guts

I may regret saying this later because my stomach could change its mind any day now, but I LOVE MY GUTS.

When I was living in India last year, I didn't get sick ONCE. I was there for nearly five months. FIVE FRICKIN' MONTHS. And my intestines never freaked out on me.

That said, I haven't had even a hint of nausea yet from the chemo. Not only that, but I haven't been constipated either! This may be WAY too much information, but I think it's something to celebrate. Or at least document so when it does happen, I can keep track as to when the train finally came barreling down the tracks.

Taking the day off yesterday was really good for me. I even started organizing my closet a little, hung a few more articles up and started putting Trevor's clothes away in the dresser. We went to my parents' house for pizza and free laundry-washing last night. It was nice to relocate all the clothes we thought had gone missing during the move. Nope, they were all still right where we left them, in a heap on the floor of the family room. They were still drying when we left so we're going to pick them up tonight after work. Yay for clean clothes, no nausea, well-restedness, and a wonderful boyfriend!

Bad mood

I didn't go to work today. Sleep was just too elusive last night and my whole body ached. Not just my muscles, but my SKIN hurt. I also had a much-needed cry yesterday after work and I still have a sinus headache left over from it.

I had been doing so well, too. Not that I'm doing bad now, but I just definitely don't feel great. At ALL. I feel like I should be up and organizing our new place, or at least out in the sunshine, but I just feel too miserable to do much of anything. I feel emotional, and every once in awhile I'll start tearing up for no good reason. Well, I guess you could say I have a good reason, but it's rather inopportune when it happens. And when it happens when I'm home alone, laying on the couch, it's just depressing. And no one wants to be depressing.

I need a shower. Or a bath would be nice. But just bathing takes energy. At school I was always doing SO many things, and yet I was so put together, organized, etc. I was ridiculously busy, but somehow it all worked. Now I feel like nothing is going on, and I feel like I can't do ANYTHING. It's completely the opposite of how I'm used to feeling. And it sucks.

Okay, well enough of that ranting. I'm just having a bad day. And I think I'm allowed to rant once in awhile, don't you think?

Good news is, my "Hodgkin's itch" is just about completely GONE!

I'm still alive, don't worry!

So, it's been awhile. A LONG while. A LOT has happened in this past month.

Today is Tuesday. I started chemo last Thursday, and since then I just haven't been my normal chipper self. On Friday, the day after Chemo #1, I felt completely normal, all except for a metal taste in my mouth. Saturday, I felt SO worn out. Like I'd been hit by a truck. Sunday was a bit better but I still wasn't up to speed and I got worn out early again. Yesterday was my first day at work, and my mouth was hurting a lot and I felt really worn out by the end of the day.

Trevor picked me up after work and we went and got me a Jamba Juice. I went with the Peanut Butter Moo'd, though, because the tartness of the other flavors would have sent my sensitive mouth/tastebuds into a tizzy. Such weird side effects. Today for example, my fingertips have started numbing up a bit. I guess it's expected, though.

My friends have been so wonderful. Celeste and Alia came over on Sunday (Doug and David hung out, too) and cooked dinner, which was SO wonderful, and also great because then we didn't have to cook dinner last night either because of all the left-overs.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: Trevor and I moved into our apartment! Finally! But because we both work full-time, and because I'm so zonked from the chemo, unpacking has been such a feat. Just keeping the house clean is difficult because Trevor is also studying non-stop for the CPA exam. Hey, when it rains, it pours.

I also haven't been sleeping very well. This strange June heatwave is hard to deal with, and Trevor and I can't snuggle through it so I can never feel comfortable. I guess summer is a good time to be going through this, though, because then I'll be bald and stay cool. *sob* I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole hairloss thing, but it's going to be hard... Cute hats, here we come!

And I'm usually so good at online researching...

So, I had always typed in "Hodgkin's" into Google, not "Hodgkin's blog," which is why I never got Hodgkin's blogs. Fancy that. I now typed in the latter and have found oodles of resources. It seems, from blogs from Hodgkin's patients, that we all use humor as a defense mechanism. Not only is it entertaining to read, but it's also reassuring to know I'm not crazy or insensitive, or at least that crazy insensitivity is normal in this whole experience. I think it's just the ability to have a good attitude about everything. So there.

Remember that board game "Operation?"

Well, I feel like the guy on that board, with all those holes and people poking and prodding him. It would be pretty funny if my nose lit up like that, but probably really stressful for the doctor's if I made that awful buzzing sound.

Yesterday I had a bone marrow aspiration - meaning, they stole my bone marrow and a piece of bone, all from my pelvis. I'm going to be honest and say that it hurt. Well, it only really hurt a couple times in the moment, but the pain didn't linger: Time 1) When my newly-introduced oncologist injected me with the anesthetic (prick + intense burning/stinging). Time 2) When said oncologist sucked out the bone marrow (massive ache INSIDE - weird/painful sensation). Other than that, it was okay.

The oncologist who stole my marrow and bone (which was the size of a toothpick(!) BY THE WAY) is absolutely fantastic, even though he STOLE MY BONEZ. I'm just a treasure trove of cool infected parts, huh?

Anyway, his name is Dr. Chen, and he's wonderful. I'm so happy to have him as my oncologist, and I think he's going to be great through this whole process.

Something I'm WAY too young to be dealing with, though, is the prospect of my eggs being HARVESTED (I hate that term with a passion...) and frozen. I'm 22, and sure, a lot of women have kids at this age, but I'm just not ready. But I still have to think about this because a lot of people are left sterile after chemotherapy and radiation. The eggs have to be taken out and frozen before I start chemo, so I probably won't start chemo for another 2 months (but the doc says it appears that my Hodgkin's is still pretty new, so we don't have to rush into it). It takes 2 months to deal with the eggs because I have to give myself injections of hormones for a month so that when it's finally time to take out (I refuse to use the word "harvest") the eggs, a lot will fall, not just one or two like standard periods.

I want to have kids someday, just not now, so this will preserve that possibility. Dr. Chen told me that after chemo/radiation, there's a chance I could still get my period, but be sterile. Well, that's a lose-lose right there, so I might as well freeze some of these li'l suckers before it's too late. The really crazy thing, though, is that egg freezing is still somewhat experimental, but embryonic freezing is much more reliable, so I could get a sperm donor (weird) and fertilize some eggs and then freeze them. Trevor and I talked about it, and since we've decided we want to get married, he would be the obvious sperm donor. HOWEVER, this would be really awkward to talk to my mom about. AND I HAVE MY FIRST CONSULTATION WITH MY MOM AND THE FERTILITY DOCTOR TODAY. Yikes. I mean, it's obvious to everyone that Trevor and I are going to get married someday, so why is this so awkward?? Oh well, I'll have to just take the plunge today and tell her straight up.

So, wish me luck and I'll update when I can. I have a breathing test on Monday, and I have to schedule a bunch of other tests (mostly imaging, I think - like the PET scan, where they inject me with RADIOACTIVE SUGARS (sooooo cool!) and then x-ray me for 3 HOURS). I really want to write about each one of the tests, though, so other people going through this can get a real step-by-step timeline of what happens (well, I know it's different for everyone, but this might help a bit). I couldn't really find one myself, so this is for those of you who want a Map of Hodgkin's, complete with scenic drives and tourist stops. Oh, and those beautiful lookout points.

Hodgkin's Shmodgkin's

So, it's official: I have cancer. 

Hodgkin's Lymphoma to be exact, cancer of the lymphatic system.

But, I now have something to actually blog about!

I had an excisional biopsy on Wednesday to extract a supraclavicular (above-the-clavical) lymph node. Going through it reminded me how I deal with medical stress: I become a stand-up comedian. I wouldn't say I'm the funniest person on a regular basis (despite what Trevor says), but when I'm subconsciously freaked out by the fact that doctors are about to slice me open, I use comedy as a defense mechanism, and to be honest, I think I was pretty damn funny.

At my 6am check-in, I received a beautiful, personalized diamond and sapphire hospital bracelet (I wish), and once my family and I got settled into our own waiting room, I was given a ruby-encrusted penicillin allergy bracelet (I wish). I nearly passed out when the nurse screwed up the first IV (I knew I shouldn't have looked), and turned greener than a seasick sailor until she finally got the second one right and got the IV juice flowin'.

The actual surgery took somewhere between half an hour to an hour, but to me, it seemed like a five-minute nap. Medical science today is absolutely unbelievable. The whole process was absolutely painless, and seemed like it didn't even happen. The only indicator that anything had happened was when I woke up in the recovery room with an oxygen tube up my nose, and later when I found yellow iodine gunk smeared on my chest (which I have yet to get off entirely because I haven't been allowed to bathe because of the incision). I bet the doctors tore my hospital gown wide open to get a good view of my cute little boobs (did I just say that?). Well, I guess it's okay they take a peek. After all, they're saving my life.

40-year-old not-so-virgin

Funny how when I was younger I felt so grown up.

I'm graduating in three days and sometimes I feel like I'm still such a kid. Well, a kid who likes to play Scrabble, and drink wine sparingly, and go on walks around the lake and watch the other 40-somethings walk by.

More incisions (*shudder* I hate that word)

After that novel-length needle biopsy entry, turns out the results were "inconclusive," and they want to do a full-on surgical biopsy on Thursday evening. My mom might be flying down to take care of me over the weekend, even though the doctor assured me it's a pretty simple procedure.

Jessica told me I was really brave. I appreciated that.

Stuff

Unfortunately, I can't embed this one, but I highly recommend watching it:

George Carlin talks about STUFF

B-B-Bee-Bop-See

So... this will be a more serious entry. Not bad, exactly. Just more... serious.

Just for some background, about a month ago (to the day), I noticed two enlarged lymph nodes just above my left collarbone. I went to Student Health and had blood tests done. Then I was referred to another doctor off-campus. Who then referred me to another doctor (a Nose, Throat, and Neck specialist). Who then referred me for a CT scan. And then told me I had to get more blood tests before I had the procedure I had today.

To make a long story short, I had a biopsy today. An image-guided, core needle biopsy, to be exact. Basically, the kind you're awake for. With a thicker needle.

I had been told it was excruciatingly painful, so I was prepared for the worst. In actuality, it was virtually painless! 

Me = VERY RELIEVED/HAPPY

Anyhow, because I'm such a NERD FACE, I'm going to go ahead and explain the procedure. If you start to feel like vomit is about to launch from your insides, you should probably stop reading. But really, it's not that gross, I promise.

Okay, before any actual "surgery" happened, a nurse (who reminded me a LOT of Angela from "The Office") did an ultrasound of my neck. Yep, just like they do for women who are preggers. But thank goodness there was no baby inside my neck.

The ultrasound allowed them to see exactly where the lumps were, as well as where major blood flow was located so they didn't accidentally stick me in the jugular. Or carotid. Or any other number of fancy arteries flowing through the area.

1) The Anesthetic

The first part - and most painful part - is the local anesthetic. Well, actually, the very first thing they do is make you get into a hospital gown (the word "gown" makes it sound so much prettier than it actually is...), and then disinfect the to-be-dissected area with three (count 'em: 1, 2, 3) brown disinfecting swabs. Then the doctor surrounds the area with a sticky paper. I was convinced this paper was put in place so blood wouldn't go flooding everywhere, but the doctor assured me it was just to keep the region "sterile." Sure.

THEN, the doctor told me he was going to stick me with the local anesthetic needle. And that it was going to BURN.

And it did. And I said, "Shit," right in the doctor's face. But I think it was okay because he didn't say anything. I'm sure he gets that reaction all the time.

2) The Incision

Next, he said he was going to make a small incision in my neck.

First off: The word incision is such an awful-sounding word. Merriam-Webster, please think of a new term. Quickly.

Okay, back to talking about the INCISION he was going to make in my NECK. Let's just say I now understand how vampire victims feel. Except, not exactly how they feel because I DIDN'T FEEL A THING! The anesthetic worked like a CHARM! So, even though I was laying there, helpless, with a scalpel at my throat, I felt completely fine! I ♥ you, neck-numbing solution!

3) The Sample Extraction

The doctor said he would have to take three different samples (he ended up taking four because the third extraction wasn't successful, but it was fine because I COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING!). I told him I didn't want to see the needle before the procedure, but after the procedure, he taught me all about it. And I am now going to forward my newfound medical knowledge to all of you.

Here are two pictures of what was stuck into my neck. The first image is of the core needle instrument (the lower instrument), and the second image is of the needle itself, and how a piece of tissue is extracted (Forget the "Formalin" in the second picture. I have no idea what they're talking about there. I'm not THAT big of a nerd face.):

Ta-dah! So that's what they did to my neck today, and I even got to see the little extracted tissue bits. And it was SO COOL. And my NERD FACE-ness was reaffirmed.

I'm still really surprised it didn't hurt at all, especially from what I had heard. I completely psyched myself out.

Oh, and I'd like to thank Jessica for going with me. She's a fantastic friend, even though she didn't stay in the room for the actual extraction. I don't blame her one bit!

The annoying part of it all is that I have to wait an ENTIRE WEEK for the results, which is a little nerve-wracking, but I'm doing my best to distract myself... Graduation is in 15 days!

Catsanfonts

Last night while walking back from The Motley, I saw one of the many campus cats that inevitably appear every spring. I was so tempted to pick it up and smother my face with it despite its probable rabidity (rabidness? rabidacity?).

ALSO: I had a nice long stint of geek-ness last night, downloading AWESOME fonts and getting SO excited. So nerdalicious.

Beauty & The Beast

Trevor: "We've already established that if you were a Disney princess you'd be Belle, right?"

Paige: "Yeah, I think so..."

Trevor: "Because your dad's an engineer and Belle's dad was, like, an inventor-guy."

Paige: "Yeah, okay..."

Trevor: "And you like to read. And sketchy guys like you and follow you around."

Paige: "Haha. And I'm adventurous!"

Trevor: "Well, yeah... That, AND you fell in love with a big hairy man."